Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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