im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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