he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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