Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
