True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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