if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
