I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
