Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
