Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
