so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
