It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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