My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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