She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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