Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i now understand why vodka
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
