Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
