Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
