Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
