I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
