how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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