I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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