I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Randomize
