im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
