Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
