He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
