I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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