you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
