I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
