so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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