a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
