sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
