I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
