dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
