living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
