i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
