I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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