You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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