yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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