I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
