If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
