In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
