I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
