He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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