so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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