my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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