people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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