you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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