well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
