Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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