Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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