You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
