Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
