If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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