i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
