i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
