I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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