Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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